I’ve always been someone, who couldn’t leave the past behind, like most of us!! It was always about looking back and “hurting by the memory”, there was almost so many reasons to stay VICTIM of the past.
There were many opportunities lost: I always had too many responsibilities to take care of, couldn’t have taken the risk of being called SELFISH
There were too many relationships left unacknowledged and unreciprocated: I always had a home issue that needed my attention, I lived under the pressure
There was so many things I could’ve bought: but, paying the rent was more important, we always needed a roof over our head.
There were many places I wanted to travel to: then again, my siblings needed my time over the weekend!! So, I really didn’t have too much ME time to do what I would’ve liked too… and when I did, the guilt I was made to feel… was overwhelming and pushed me to rather not.
There were too many risks of rejection: I was born fat, didn’t make for the best person to invite enough support to take up a glam career or look to stand in front of the camera and flaunt my talent. The people that mattered most, cautioned me the most… I wonder why… NOW!
There were more “whys” than “why not!” : I looked into my first circle of dependence and found more “why” I couldn’t answer, than “why not”. History remains the same… yet when I look back today… the ONLY question I ask NOW… as a mature adult… is WHAT CAN I LEARN from you?… The answers changed and so did the meaning of why they happened.
There were many opportunities lost: They were meant for me to learn, that all things that didn’t happen I am grateful for. I may have been someone else in this moment… my priorities, my dreams, my being ME… may never have been the same… I realised, everything that didn’t happen, really wasn’t meant to be!! I learnt, that my life, was being prepared, for this phase. The opportunities I lost… would’ve kept me from learning the power of looking back and being able to THANK for the the things I didn’t JUMP AT… at the time, they seemed special… looking back now… I am glad they didn’t happen. Life is just precious the way it IS!!
There were too many relationships left unacknowledged and unreciprocated: they were but thought of then… meant for a time when you were older and wiser to understand the powerful meaning of them not happening then. Each one has now manifested… into a mature reality… where you can enjoy them… complete! It is intriguing, that I now understand what it really means to be in a relationship… I learnt, that back then, I had no value for myself or my dreams… so, I wasn’t ever able to truly BE in a relationship… my own insecurities… built walls… so high I couldn’t see over them!!
There was so many things I could’ve bought: Ha ha, I actually realised, I did buy a lot of things even back then, there were 2 or 3 things that I always wanted… I have already bought them I have them now… I bought a better version than the ones I would’ve once compromised with… JUST TO HAVE it. One such thing… my laptop… I wanted it then… because not too many people had it… It wasn’t for the features or the possibilities it presented. I didn’t realise, that the one I wanted to buy then… weren’t WiFi enabled.. either. We bought a desktop instead… which is still a part of our lives… and even though we keep wanting to upgrade it… there is always MORE than that required to be done… before it can match up to the configurations of today!! … ha ha ha. I learnt that I didn’t need those gadgets then… the ones I have now… are brilliant… and I do have more use for them… than just HAVING them!!
There were many places I wanted to travel to: Work, took me travelling around the world, I visited places I always wanted to… wished I could!! In my memory… as a victim… these were always luxuries I couldn’t afford or I thought I would never be able to afford… I have now travelled to England… Italy (twice)… Japan and Indonesia and yes I still have the US to travel to… the work VISA on my passport is proof, that I was meant to travel… but, since I always wanted to travel for a longer period of time… with a purpose to explore… soon… I know I shall. Within India… I travelled to so many places now… that I keep renewing my list… and take off … as I please . I guess, what I had to learn… was that time was creating people to pay for my travel… ha ha ha… Thank you work!!
There were too many risks of rejection: The thrill of living the RISK OF REJECTION is PRICELESS… I now, take ONE REJECTION at a time… and LIVE it. The lesson I learnt is that I looked outside of me for inspiration to take a risk. My life, then, was filled with people, who ran away from risk.. took the easier route… the travelled roads. I learnt… my life was unfolding to reach above this… to tell MY STORY my way!! I learnt that my life… was growing to be an example… that would inspire ME… and inspire and empower others to take the powerful responsibility of their own lives… as I live this dream… I am falling in love with every risk… that I once thought was rejection
There were more “whys” than “why not!” : I am still learning the WHYs… and loving the NOT… of the many WHY NOT’s of learning to be ME…
Dear Why’s and Why not’s …
you keep me ALIVE… and I love the energy… you bring into my life… finding others that resonate… with the same joy of yearning to BE!! You make each day a celebration of being alive… and I love you
Where rainbows are complete,